Well, I guess this is obvious, but I’m taking a break and going back to old fashioned blogging (aka journaling). There is too much going on right now that I feel the need to not broadcast to the world. So until next time (which I hope is soon because it means things settled down)…peace out.
It’s rare for me to not rush to put events into words, and even more rare for me to not want to do so. But this last week has felt like my life isn’t even my own. I feel like a puppet, going through the motions, which I guess is good and bad because it’s what I need right now.
One thing I can say is that I have learned that there are so many people who are willing to drop everything when someone they care about needs it. Especially my family, who I’ve been terrible to for a reason that even I cannot pinpoint. I need - and want - to fix that.
Again I’m at a loss for words, this time because I’m so upset with myself and who I’ve become. I guess all I can say is thank God it’s summer and I’m going to work on getting my life back where I want it to be - exercising, eating right, sleeping like a normal person. It’s all part of the big picture and it starts now.
Year 2, Days 314, 315, 316, 317 & 318:
It’s been an emotional and busy couple of days/week, hence not updating.
For once I am at a loss for words…nothing can encompass what last night was like and how much it meant. It was the last hoorah with the seniors, and I didn’t expect to cry as much as I did. I literally love those girls unconditionally and with all my heart, and I’ve only known them about two years, some less. Phew. I’m tearing up again.
I think that’s all I’m going say. For once, I’m going to not try to put anything else into words because no non-ruggers would understand.
Year 2, Day 313:
Welp…our boys are Natty Champs so we went out and celebrated tonight. It wa good to see everyone, and they were all so happy, so naturally I was happy too. For most of them at least.
Mehhhhhh. The boys won their game today…during which I was screaming/yelling/crying…only to hear from them that they didn’t want me to write the story. That was quite the debacle but I’m over it. I know I’m good at what I do and if they prefer someone else, that’s their choice. Although technically you can’t just pick and choose in journalism. Whatevs.
Year 2, Days 310 & 311:
y leg got pretty beat to death in our game today…I played flanker though, so that was awesome.Then I came back and did the obstacle course with the team…then walked all the way to Snooks and back…then the Color dance. I definitely burned many, many calories today.
Year 2, Day 308:
I already started a little bit of packing for home…I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I go home in 13 days. I will be halfway done with college. What? No. Anyway, my mom was right. I don’t think I wore any of the things in this picture…they all just sat around taking up space. Minus a pair of jeans. Oh well.
Today was Scholarship and Creativity Day…last year that meant an entire day off, today it meant being at The Record office for 9 hours. I was able to meet with Putnam while I was at SJU and discuss the final paper, which is 10-12 pages. I have 6 done already, so I’m well on my way. I really don’t have that much of a rigorous schedule these next two weeks, just a lot of writing.
The weather is improving little by little, and the weekend is supposed to be almost 80 degrees. I don’t think I even remember what that feels like. We have two rugby games though, so I’m sure I’ll remember quickly.
My morning was better than expected. I was able to go to Target and use the giftcard they mailed to get a new camera. Hopefully this one lasts. I made it to lit in time, only to find out a group member was sick so we didn’t have to present. Then I got my big paper back with 100/100 and an asterisk, meaning it was one of two papers he deemed worthy of an example. Then we got out of class 50 minutes early. Nothing else exceptional happened, but I’ll take it.
Still at home…looks like the snow doesn’t want me to leave, which means I will have to wake up early to get to my 9:40 class. I just hope this week gets better, otherwise these last little bits of the semester are going to drag on forever.
Saturday was Saturday, Sunday was Sunday. Only I decided to come home before having a mental breakdown. So that’s where I currently am.
By Beth Leipholtz
Meet Sara Nistler, a seemingly bubbly, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, first-year student at CSB with a passion for choir. But life hasn’t always been light-hearted for Sara. At age two, she began pulling out her own hair, a disorder referred to as trichotillomania. At age four, she was molested by a male relative. In high school, she was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with a boyfriend. She was later hospitalized during her junior year of high school as both an in-patient and out-patient for cutting herself.
Nistler wasn’t officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety until her freshman year of high school, yet she had been battling both for the majority of her life.
Among college students, stories like Nistler’s are often suppressed, yet are surprisingly common. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, a survey conducted in 2009 found that 30 percent of college students reported feeling “so depressed that it was difficult to function” at some time in the past year.
“One of things I tell people that is not usually thought of, is that during October on college campuses, there is a peak in suicide or suicide attempts, especially among young students,” psychology professor Jan Holtz said. “The newness of it all has worn off and they find out that college is not going to be as easy as they thought, even if they were a really good student in high school. Full blown depression is very serious, but symptoms can exist in a lot of us in new environments.”
Common signs of depression include loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, lack of energy, problems concentrating or making decisions, problems falling asleep or sleeping too much, loss of appetite or over-eating, thoughts or attempts of suicide and aches, pains, headaches and cramps that will not go away.
“During SnowFest in high school I was voted queen,” an anonymous CSB student said. “I remember being up there, and I knew I should be happy, I knew should feel excited, but I didn’t. I just really didn’t care. I was passive and numb. Each day I just went to school, went to dance, went home. I was in a constant pattern and I just didn’t care about anything. Even at graduation I couldn’t cry but I couldn’t be happy either. It was a lot of going through the motions.”
Depression and anxiety often go hand in hand and may be caused by a chemical imbalance or genealogy. They can also be brought on or exacerbated by factors such as living away from family for the first time, missing family or friends, feeling alone or isolated, having conflict in relationships, dealing with new or difficult school work and worrying about finances. Many of these factors are very prominent in college life and the adjustment period that follows.
“It can be harder being away from home, especially when I am going through a low time,” an anonymous CSB student said. “I cope with this by calling my parents a lot, they have been what keeps me going. My dad is great, when I am really anxious I sometimes call him up to ten times a day. He helps me keep calm and feel safe.”
Depression and anxiety can also reside as an aftereffect of both physical and emotional abuse.
“In November of my senior year, I had a boyfriend was two years younger than me,” an anonymous CSB student said. “He was always worried that I was pregnant and he would start to punch me in the stomach. Eventually I asked what he was doing. He said, ‘well if there’s a baby in there I’m gonna kill it.’ It would get to point he wouldn’t talk to me until I got my period. We broke up January of senior year and that was kind of a trigger for my depression.”
Students often find themselves at a loss as to how to confront the feelings and thoughts they are experiencing, especially if they feel as if they are alone in their suffering. However, they are not. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reports that depression affects 19 million Americans over the age of 18 each year and that more American adults suffer from depression than coronary heart disease, cancer and AIDS combined.
“I think the biggest thing for me was swallowing my pride and saying, ‘I need help,’” sophomore Jenna Weber said. “People don’t realize how common depression is until they say it out loud and other people are like, ‘Oh, me too.’”
Denial may also be a factor in determining when to seek help.
“I think acceptance is one of the hardest things to deal with,” sophomore Emily Buchmiller said. “Once I accepted that my suicidal and depressed thoughts weren’t necessarily coming from me, but they were coming from the depression, it really helped me with overcoming it. Students need to really take advantage of the free counseling on the campuses. I can honestly say the counseling has saved my life. If it wasn’t available and free, I can guarantee that I would not have sought out help.”
Acceptance may also be difficult for friends and family of the victim, simply because they don’t fully understand the illness or are unaware of the symptoms.
“My parents had been going through denial since I was a kid,” Nistler said. “They talked to a doctor when I started pulling out my hair. They thought I would grow out of it, but I didn’t. I kept retreating further and further away and I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t think they would understand. Even now they’re still trying to get over what happened in high school because they didn’t know all of it as it happened.”
“People don’t always understand how much mental illness affects you,” an anonymous CSB student said. “Just imagine spending nearly every day of your life not liking yourself, and being irrationally afraid of things. That is what life with depression and anxiety is like for me. There are some days when I simply can’t get out of bed; no matter how hard I try I just feel too hopeless or too scared. It makes it hard to make friends when you don’t believe that you are worthy of being loved.”
Although struggling with depression and anxiety is most difficult for the person suffering, it can also be difficult for loved ones to understand and cope with it. Sophomore Brandon Brist grew up with an older brother suffering from both depression and bipolar disorder.
“The biggest part I had to understand was when my brother was truly himself or when bipolar or depression had altered him,” Brist said. “He has been a great brother but there are times when his bipolar and depression can throw him into the deepest darkest emotions I have seen among people, and at times he can be very high strung. There have been times when screaming matches have erupted between us both due to my frustration and these conditions. One of the hardest parts is never knowing what tomorrow will be like.”
Alongside negative emotions and thoughts, depression and anxiety may urge a person to inflict pain upon themselves, contemplate committing suicide or even attempt committing suicide.
“College magnified my depression to levels I’d never experienced before,” sophomore Jamie Swanson said. “I had trouble making friends at first and a lot of relationship issues that sort of lead me down a path of destruction. I lost interest in everything. I distanced myself from everyone who cared about me. I’d had suicidal thoughts in the past (infrequently since junior high), but within the last year I’ve had my first, and hopefully last, two suicide attempts. It’s difficult to even think that I am someone capable of making a decision like that, and I can’t say that’s how I always feel, but I’ve definitely had points where I’d felt out of options.”
While usually these desires to self-harm are intentionally acted upon, there may be instances when they are not.
“I haven’t made any ‘serious’ attempts,” Buchmiller said. “But I have accidently been hurt and enjoyed it. For example, if I burned my arm on my hair straightener I was relieved. My counselor has said I am ‘passive suicidal,’ so basically I have some desire for bad things to happen to me, but I don’t actively seek harm.”
There are a variety of treatment options for depression and anxiety, including antidepressants or psychotherapy. Two forms of psychotherapy are normally utilized: cognitive behavioral therapy, which attempts to aid people in changing negative thinking and behaviors, and interpersonal therapy, which attempts to help people understand and work though their personal relationships which may be causing or worsening their symptoms. In some cases, there may also be certain activities which give the victim a sense of control over a situation, something which people suffering from depression often feel they lack.
“If you’re having a bad day, clean your room,” an anonymous SJU student said. “I am a complete slob and I despise cleaning, but the act of accomplishing a task that ends with visible results is amazing. My doctor told me this as I moved up to school and I just laughed at it. Then fall semester before finals I felt like I was drowning under all the homework and studying. I finally just tried it and I think just being able to see that your efforts do accomplish something really helps.”
Another coping mechanism is forming a relationship with someone who has also experienced depression or can at least relate. Discovering a passion as a form of outlet or release is also common.
“It helps to find other people who know what you’re going through,” Nistler said. “Don’t try to push it on people who don’t get it, and try to be open with your family. It also helps to find something you love. I love going to choir even if I don’t want to leave my room. There are people there who make me smile. If I can at least do that or make someone happy, it’s a little ‘go me’ day.”
The bottom line comes down to making the decision to actively seek out help.
“A final word of advice? No one can help you unless you decide to help yourself,” Swanson said. “Counselors won’t seek you out and sometimes family and friends can’t see when you’re struggling. There are so many resources available to you, you just have to seek them out. No one deserves to have depression, but if you do, you can do something about it.”
By Beth Leipholtz
Most college students opt to spend their 20th birthday celebrating with their friends, but that was not the case for sophomore Alicia Vargas. Instead, Vargas spent April 6 competing in her first female fitness competition - the National Physique Committee (NPC) Gopher State Classic.
Vargas began training for this competition in January, after research on female bodybuilding sparked her interest.
“I just love spending time in gym and lifting weights,” Vargas said. “Before I would do just cardio for an hour, but I realized I can push myself hard in the gym, harder than I can anywhere else. It became my passion, and I’m so happy when there; it’s like my home.”
The training plan for this competition was set into action on Jan. 10, three months before the competition was to take place. Vargas worked with her posing coach, Tara Haertzen, as well as her trainer and nutrition coach, sponsored athlete Tarah Andrews.
“Tarah approached me saying ‘I see something in you that Tara (Haertzen) saw in me when I first started lifting. You have this passion, and I want to help,’” Vargas said. “So she helped. Without her I wouldn’t have done it. Support is huge if you want to excel in something. This was totally new to me. Before I was independent and didn’t think I needed anyone’s help. It’s important to do things with other people; it opened me up a lot.”
Andrews implemented a training plan that focused on chest on Mondays, legs on Tuesdays, back on Wednesdays, shoulders on Thursdays and arms on Fridays.
“Basically the first month was lifting heavy and low reps of about eight-10,” Vargas said. “But a month before show, I switched to lower weight and a higher rep with the same training plan.”
While cardio and weight lifting are important, another large aspect of body building is nutrition. This was no exception for Vargas, even though eating well on a college campus meal plan can be a bit of a challenge. Vargas would spend an hour to an hour and a half working out each day, preparing her meals in advance so that she could eat every two to three hours.
“The nutrition was very intense,” Vargas said. “I used to eat bread with peanut butter like crazy, but I ultimately felt like that food was starting to make me feel bad and internally slowing me down. I wanted to change my eating habits to be more sustaining to my body and provide high energy levels. Now my nutrition consists of very clean eating, like chicken, vegetables and egg whites. Mcglynns made it so I was able to get two chicken breasts and spinach for a punch. Otherwise, in Gorecki I’ll get green beans, broccoli or apples. After workouts I have protein shakes. Rice cakes are also a good carb for after workouts since they are low calorie and quick digesting.”
As with any time-consuming process, having a support system is crucial. Vargas relied on her boyfriend, SJU graduate Preston Kraker, for support.
“The one person who was so supportive was my boyfriend,” Vargas said. “He always was there for me. There were times when I felt self-doubt or felt weak and didn’t know if it was the right fit for me. It was negative, and when I felt like that I talked to him and he lifted my spirits. He reminded me this is what I wanted to do and that I made a commitment to persevere and have strength.”
Kraker enjoyed having the opportunity to support Vargas and give her advice.
“When I’d visit her on the weekends, we’d also go out to eat and both get healthy options that were in line with her diet plan,” Kraker said. “Also, I’d help her cook fish and other foods that her trainer required her to utilize. It was a great experience, and I plan on doing one myself. Watching her go through the whole process gave me extra motivation, and I expect her example to have an incredible influence on some of the Bennies she meets. I look forward to supporting Alicia in a similar manner throughout our lives.”
Preparing for fitness competitions can be a time-consuming process, one many people are not knowledgeable about. For Vargas’ specific division, she was required to wear a bikini and six-inch heels. She also applied a self-tanning mouse, as well as had hair and makeup done. Vargas ended up taking fourth place of the 10 girls in her division.
“It was awesome,” Vargas said. “I might challenge myself to do the figure division in the future because I love heavy lifting and I started to miss it in the month before this competition.”
Vargas plans to continue competing in the future and possibly even do a show in June. She also hopes to become a certified personal trainer this summer.
“People think this is all time consuming, but it’s not,” Vargas said. “College students need to know that wellness is so important. They need to take time to feel good, do what they want to do. It can be kind of a lonely sport, but that’s OK. You have to do things on your own sometimes. I faced adversity in this decision but I had to put it in the shadows and do it for myself.”
Although the sport takes much self-discipline, competitors are still able to splurge once in a while.
“Tonight? I’m going to be going to Texas Roadhouse and I’m going to devour those rolls you get before you eat and possibly pulled pork,” Vargas said. “I’m human too.”
Vargas would like students to know that she is available to ask questions about training, food plans, setting goals and motivation if needed. She can be reached at arvargas@csbsju.edu.
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Day 287: Monday, April 22, 2013
Happy half-birthday, Kaelie.
Thanks, Kaelie.
Crazy busy day today, ending with me going to rugby practice SO I CAN PLAY PROM DRESS RUGBY ON SATURDAY WOOOOO!!!!...
I saw this little girl yesterday at the gardens. Her parents were talking, it looked like she had been left to play with her brother but her brother was splashing in...
I love mini doughnuts.
