...To Be Continued

A Minnesotan girls' adventures and struggles in college and sobriety.
21 years on this earth. Rugby player. Slightly infatuated with Selena Gomez. Recovering alcoholic. Always up for a chat with someone going through the same. Questions? Ask away.

A letter to my future son or daughter

You don’t know me yet, but I’ve thought about you often.  I’ve thought about what it will be like to see you for the first time, your balled up fists attempting to unfurl, your tiny, squinty eyes struggling to adjust to this big, bright world. I’ve wondered who your dad will be, how much I will love him (especially after giving me you), if you will look like him or like me.  I’ve wondered about your firsts - your first word, your first steps, your first tooth.

There are so many things I can only wonder about, but there are a few certainties, too.

I can promise I will be your best friend, because that’s what my mother did for me. I will hold your hair when you are sick, I will console you when you cry. I will read you book after book if it means you will grow up with a love for literature. I will let you climb into bed with me even when you’re well past the appropriate age - because sometimes you’ll just need your mom, and the rest of the world can wait.

I can promise you that I will support you – as long as what you are doing isn’t detrimental to yourself or anyone else. I will support you in each endeavor you choose to embark upon. I will support you when everyone turns left and you stubbornly declare right. I will support you in your triumphs, and even more so in your failures. I will support you when you’re not sure you even support yourself.

I can promise to teach you what I am able to, but there are some lessons you will only learn on your own. And when those come about, I promise to let you learn them, even though every instinct in me will be screaming to stop you, to protect you from being hurt. I promise to let you learn.

But above all, I can promise you that I will love you. I will love you the first time you tell me no, the first time you slam your door, the first time you threaten to run away. I will love you when you make the wrong decision time and time again. When you have your heart broken for the first time, when you fight with your siblings, when you tell me you hate me…even then I will love you. In fact, I’ll probably love you even more than before.

Someday I promise to tell you these things in person. Meeting you is a day I will look forward to forever, and when it arrives, I know so many more promises will come to me. 

Year 3, Days 289, 290 and 291: Wayneeee

Year 3, Day 283 & 284:

Overall a really great weekend. Cass, Kell and I went to the boys’ games yesterday in Eden Prairie, which was a good choice. It was great to spend time with them like the old days - we’re all just so busy with our lives that it’s hard to ever be in the same place at once, even practice. 

Sunday was declared Hamms Day by the teams, and it was a whopping 50 degrees and sunny. It was one of those days when I just looked around me felt so completely happy and content…pure moments like that, being able to forget everything I should be doing instead, are rare and fleeting. I never imagined I would be so okay with everyone around me drinking beer while I had an energy drink, but I really am. My life is just so much better when I’m sober.I actually like being the responsible one and watching crazy drunk people around me. 

How to Love a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How to Be Loved.

Year 3, Day 266: Tug-of-War

For being in my own head, I make a lot of choices that I can’t validate or explain. 

Like, ya know, sabotaging every could-be relationship that comes my way. Because why be with someone who treats you well, makes you happy and sees all the good in you, when you could instead completely flip out, run the other direction and be alone?

Right. I don’t get it either.

It’s like I am playing this constant game of tug-of-war - I lean one way and think it’s the right way, convince myself it’s the right way, and then some force from the other side reacts - and all of a sudden I topple over without any sense of the right direction and confusion as to why I was even playing to begin with. 

I need to lean one way and have an opposing force balance my force. Instead I am constantly standing at the middle of the rope debating which side to take. Listing the pros and cons, the what-ifs, the should-haves. I know that’s not what the game is about. The game is about chance and strength, yet I find a way to make it about mentality.

'If I want this badly enough, I can make it work,'

'But if I have to think about wanting it, then I must not want it.'

'So if I don't want it, what am I doing?'

'Nope, don't know what I'm doing, I should end it.'

That is literally my thought process multiple times a day and it is just draining. If it is an age/time of life thing, fine. A situation thing, fine. A schedule thing, fine.

But what if it is a me thing? That’s not fine. 

And I worry that it is a me thing. So many of my “relationships” the first two years of college were centered around drinking. And I’m not talking just romantic ones. I think because of this, my emotional maturity has almost digressed and I’m left wondering how to connect with people without drinking. Not on an every day level, but on a deeper level. I realize how sad that sounds, but I have no other rationale for my hesitancy and fear to just let something unfold. 

I don’t want to play the game any more. Right now I want to be the sore loser who stomps away and completely overreacts to the entire situation like a toddler. That is what I feel like: a giant toddler who just needs a good temper tantrum and a mommy hug. Instead I need to find an adult way to deal with my feelings, and I guess that is what this is. Writing a bunch of random crap on paper just to get it out of my head does no one else any good, but it sure as hell makes me feel better. 

Dammit, dammit, dammit. I am just so mad at myself right now, to the point that I can’t even articulate how I am feeling. Besides mad. Mad I recognize and can articulate. What I need to do is play rugby because I just want to take people down. I know I would feel better after that and life would be clearer. 

Year 3, Day 260:

Yay hockey. Yay front page. Yay 10 months sober. 

Yay life. 

Humans of CSB SJU

Year 3, Day 247:

Year 3, Day 240:

Wow, I have been terrible at updating this semester. In my defense, I don’t have a lot of spare time for “fun” writing these days. I’m normally working on an article or 20, so there’s that. 

Hmmmm. The pictures here are from Valentine’s Day, which was a good time even though I was single and worked that night. I’m okay with both of those things. 

I legitimately do not have it in me to ramble on about my life right now. I need to go be productive in it instead. But to all you followers, yes, I am still alive and well.

Year 3, Day 234:

My story on the Sartell swim boys was on the front page of the website today and above the fold in the actual paper, so that was neat. 

Also, when I got to work I found flowers and a card from Diane as a congratulations for the ACP award. It was seriously so sweet and unexpected. 

There are a lot of thoughts in my head right now (about many things) but for once I am going to keep them there because I am tired and semi-sick, so I need to rest. 

Year 3, Day 233:
Por fin, hable con mi familia chilena…y mi Colomba esta corriendo por toda la casa! Un parte grande de mi corazon esta en Chile todavia. I finally talked to my Chilean family..and my Colomba is running all through the house. A big part of my heart is still in Chile

Year 3, Day 233:

Por fin, hable con mi familia chilena…y mi Colomba esta corriendo por toda la casa! Un parte grande de mi corazon esta en Chile todavia. 

I finally talked to my Chilean family..and my Colomba is running all through the house. A big part of my heart is still in Chile

Year 3, Day 232:

Today (Sunday) was the awards ceremony for ACPBOM and the Record took first in the four year weekly newspaper category. My story on sexual assault took second in the news category and Adam’s took fifth. We left pretty darn happy. 

My mom offered to feed us all lunch, so we detoured to my house which was well worth the extra driving (super extra cause I took everyone the long way, oops). We had a yummy home-cooked meal and I was able to see my family and puppies. I think the group enjoyed it as well. 

Year 3, Day 230:

We left for the ACP Best of the Midwest conference today and toured Star Tribune and WCCO, just like we did last year. Except this year was better because I feel much more like a part of the group. Not that I didn’t last year, but it was just different. This group has a difference dynamic and I love it. 

A healthier lifestyle makes a big difference…20 pounds in this case. #transformationtuesday

A healthier lifestyle makes a big difference…20 pounds in this case. #transformationtuesday