For being in my own head, I make a lot of choices that I can’t validate or explain.
Like, ya know, sabotaging every could-be relationship that comes my way. Because why be with someone who treats you well, makes you happy and sees all the good in you, when you could instead completely flip out, run the other direction and be alone?
Right. I don’t get it either.
It’s like I am playing this constant game of tug-of-war - I lean one way and think it’s the right way, convince myself it’s the right way, and then some force from the other side reacts - and all of a sudden I topple over without any sense of the right direction and confusion as to why I was even playing to begin with.
I need to lean one way and have an opposing force balance my force. Instead I am constantly standing at the middle of the rope debating which side to take. Listing the pros and cons, the what-ifs, the should-haves. I know that’s not what the game is about. The game is about chance and strength, yet I find a way to make it about mentality.
'If I want this badly enough, I can make it work,'
'But if I have to think about wanting it, then I must not want it.'
'So if I don't want it, what am I doing?'
'Nope, don't know what I'm doing, I should end it.'
That is literally my thought process multiple times a day and it is just draining. If it is an age/time of life thing, fine. A situation thing, fine. A schedule thing, fine.
But what if it is a me thing? That’s not fine.
And I worry that it is a me thing. So many of my “relationships” the first two years of college were centered around drinking. And I’m not talking just romantic ones. I think because of this, my emotional maturity has almost digressed and I’m left wondering how to connect with people without drinking. Not on an every day level, but on a deeper level. I realize how sad that sounds, but I have no other rationale for my hesitancy and fear to just let something unfold.
I don’t want to play the game any more. Right now I want to be the sore loser who stomps away and completely overreacts to the entire situation like a toddler. That is what I feel like: a giant toddler who just needs a good temper tantrum and a mommy hug. Instead I need to find an adult way to deal with my feelings, and I guess that is what this is. Writing a bunch of random crap on paper just to get it out of my head does no one else any good, but it sure as hell makes me feel better.